“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
This famous quote, the Serenity Prayer, often attributed to American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, has been shrouded in mystery, as others claim various earlier– and in some cases, non-religious– origins. While I take pride in making sure to correctly credit a source, the lack of certainty around this particular set of lines seems fitting, because it does appear to be a universal truth rather than one confined to a particular religious or cultural tradition. In my work as a therapist, I have discussed this concept perhaps more than any others with clients. I have done so even with trepidation sometimes, not knowing the client’s own willingness to accept wisdom that sounds so clearly tied to theism. I encourage clients to accept the “God” part if it works for them, and to focus on the rest of the quote if not.
Why is this such a common topic in counseling, and what wisdom does this quote have to offer?
To answer that, let’s first look toward another common saying: “if the only tool you’ve got is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.” Realistically, we know that everything’s not a nail, and a hammer is not always the best tool for the job. We only think it is if we aren’t taking the time to fully consider the problem, or gaining the knowledge to help us learn what other tools exist and how to use them. The message of the Serenity Prayer is to slow down and analyze a problem before you expend energy on it, because by doing so you will most effectively be able to draw from your energy to find an optimal solution.
Acceptance for What You Cannot Control
When faced with a problem, we are hard-wired to try to fix it. It is in our nature to ask “what can I do about this,” whereas it often can feel like we are lacking initiative or being lazy if we don’t try to address a problem head-on. The advice I am offering here isn’t to not try, it is to take a realistic assessment of what is and is not in your control and to alter your response accordingly. Often, this does mean doing less, and worrying less, which can feel counterproductive, but here’s why it is not:
Things that are in our control include our own choices and willpower; beyond that, most things are out of our control. Things that are not in our control include what other people think, decide, feel, or how they behave. Things that occur due to chance, or that involve considerations beyond just you, will also involve elements that are outside of your control.
If something is in your control, the thing to do is to thoughtfully and thoroughly consider your options and to make the choice that is most likely to yield the greatest degree of success for you with respect to the problem you are facing. Read the next section below for more about making good decisions with what is in your control.
However, if something is outside of your control, no amount of mental or physical energy that you spend on it will affect the outcome. Therefore, any amount of mental or physical energy spent in this way is a waste, and our energy is a precious resource. We need it to make good decisions in our lives, and to enjoy the best parts of life. When our energy is drained, we don’t feel our best, and we don’t perform to the best of our ability either.
Developing an intentional focus that allows you to identify what is and is not in your control prevents the energy-draining habit of worrying about things beyond your control.
But how are you supposed to accept something that makes you uneasy or unhappy? Not using your energy in vain is only part of the answer. You also want to redirect that energy. Some might need to be redirected toward helping you self-soothe or otherwise cope with the discomfort of not knowing an outcome, knowing that you’ve done all you can do, or knowing but being upset by the outcome. I’m not saying this is easy, but I am saying you are capable. Take the time to list for yourself some self-soothing or coping strategies that help you when you are feeling down or anxious. If you are in need of an idea, mindfulness meditation is one such strategy that can really help you to find peace in difficult moments.
After allocating some of your energy to acknowledging and caring for the discomfort you feel, next refocus some of your energy on helping you figure out how to move forward from here. This means thinking about what is in your control.
The Courage to Make Decisions
While many elements of how a situation will play out are outside of our control and therefore outside of our ability to influence, it is important to make good choices with the few precious elements of a situation over which you do have some power.
With respect to what is in your control, some decisions you will be faced with reflect an easy choice, where one alternative is clearly better than the others, and doesn’t require any significant sacrifices. Other times, making a decision that is right for you means giving up something else that you also value, taking a risk, doing something harder instead of something easier, or going against the grain and maybe letting others down or having them worry about you. This is why sometimes making the right choice for yourself reveals inner courage.
It is scary to shut out all the doubting voices and “what ifs,” but it is manageable if we know that we have taken the time to carefully, intentionally consider the variety of choices in front of us, weighing the costs and benefits of each relative to each other. So having patience, critical thinking skills, and a willingness to look at all foreseeable options will help you feel more confident in making choices about the elements of a situation that you do have the ability to control. It is also important to know yourself, to be honest with yourself about what you value, and about your own strengths and areas that are not as well developed. The more realistic view of yourself that you have, the more confident you can be in your decision-making as well, so take the time to get to know yourself deeply.
The Wisdom to Know the Difference
Understanding what is and is not in our control allows us to channel our limited energy and resources effectively. When we expend energy trying to change or impact something that we do not have the power to influence, it is a waste of our energy. Not only do we have nothing to show for our efforts, it’s even worse– in addition, we are left drained and feeling defeated. It’s hard to continue to persevere when we are met with failure, and that is going to happen sometimes regardless. This is all the more reason that it is important to avoid committing unforced errors in this way– we do not get to keep the effort we expend, so we want to make sure to use our limited energy wisely, in ways that have a chance of netting a return on our investment. By directing our focus toward factors we can influence, we become more productive and better equipped to create positive change in our lives. As for the factors we cannot influence, we should acknowledge them, but not focus our limited energy on them.
Use Your Energy Wisely
Life is unpredictable, filled with both joys and challenges. Developing resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity, is crucial for navigating the ups and downs. Acknowledging and finding acceptance for our limitations and embracing the power of wisely allocating our energy fosters a resilient way of being. Instead of being overwhelmed by our circumstances, we can learn to adapt and grow stronger through life’s inevitable rough patches.
If we are willing to develop a tolerance for discomfort, it will help us with both acceptance and courage. If we are willing to intentionally slow our thought process and to be honest with ourselves about what is and is not in our control, we will know which set of tools to use for each circumstance.
When we can do these things effectively, we are left with the feeling that our energy has been well spent with nothing more to do right now, and with enough energy remaining for you to now relax, even if not everything is solved. When you can do this, you will have achieved serenity, a state of peace, calm, and contentment.
Questions to ask yourself:
What elements of this problem are things that I have control over?
For each answer to the question above, what is the very next step that you can take, and when will you do it?
What elements of this problem are outside of my control?
For each answer to the question above, what calming or self-soothing strategies will you use to help you with accepting the wait for whatever the resolution will be, or with accepting the outcome?
If the problem does not resolve in the way you had hoped, how will you move forward? What specific people will you lean on, what resources and coping strategies will you use?
Reference:
https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/the-serenity-prayer
Michelle Lange, Psy.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of Relaction Therapy, providing mental health and wellness consultation services. Visit relaction.us to book a session or consultation appointment.
Image credit: Antonio Grasso
