“With great power comes great responsibility.” This is one of my favorite quotes, and as is the case with several timeless quotes, its origins are in dispute, though probably most associate it with the Spider Man comics and movies. While in that context it is meant to convey gravitas to the young Peter Parker regarding his superhero abilities, recognizing the importance of these words will serve an immense value to us mere mortals as well.

I actually have several topics around which I could discuss the utility of this phrase, but this particular post focuses on the power you hold in how you decide to treat others, and a plea to you to treat that power with reverence and respect.

As I write this, it’s not even 11 AM and I have already had to deal with a sexist comment today. It was one sentence. I was in a professional setting and it was a colleague who spoke to me. It has taken something from me. Just hearing the comment hurt, because it revealed that I was being seen in that moment primarily as my gender rather than as a professional or even, simply, as a person, despite the context being one in which gender was irrelevant. While most times I choose not to stay engaged in negative interactions, on this occasion I decided to address the comment, partially out of hope that considering a different perspective might benefit my colleague and others with whom he will interact in the future, partially to stand up for myself. Just hearing the comment had shifted my mood; the decision to engage in response to it then took additional mental and emotional effort, because I had to quickly think about how to work past my hurt to find the words and tone to challenge the comment in a way that my colleague would be receptive to hearing. 

Something to know: I don’t think this person intended to be offensive or was aware that the comment was sexist. I don’t even know if he thought of it as such after we spoke, because the way I chose to handle it in this case was not to label it as sexism or to share how it made me feel, but rather to simply challenge the gender norms behind the statement. And perhaps I was effective at not letting on that I found it hurtful personally, because I did not receive an apology from him; we just ended the conversation and headed our separate ways.

I imagine that for him, this interaction could best be summarized as: he ran into a colleague, made what perhaps to him was simply small talk, and carried on with his day, this conversation likely not even a blip on his radar. Whereas the impact on me was that I was having a good morning and was at work minding my business when someone else’s decision to make an unprompted, off the cuff comment hurt me, and then my own decision to challenge it meant expending additional energy. After this, I was left feeling deflated, tasked with figuring out how to re-cultivate the positive energy with which I had started my day. A brief sentence wielded a mighty power: the power to disrupt, to potentially reroute.

I want to be clear: This isn’t a post about the ills of sexism, it is a post about the ills of carelessness. It is a reflection on how people treat each other, and on how we can do better in ways that require very little effort.

Sometimes people can be hurtful without meaning to be. But impact is at least as important as intent, and usually more so. This is why it is important to strive to be meaningful and intentional, rather than mindless, in our interactions with others. Taking responsibility for the power of your words and actions means acknowledging that how we treat others can have a real, meaningful impact on them, whether on their mood, their day, or their larger sense of belonging. Yes, really. Even if your comment or action impacts someone else’s mood or energy only briefly, it leaves an impression on them; it changes the course of whatever was happening for them prior to this encounter, and that is not insignificant.

Can you think of a time when a seemingly small “throw away” comment or behavior from someone else took away from your positive energy? 

What about a time where a small unprompted comment or behavior from someone else made a positive impact on you?

Finally, can you think of a time where there was a tough conversation to be had, but where the other person chose to handle their words and actions in such a way that left you feeling respected and dignified, even though the subject matter was uncomfortable?

Reflecting on these memories demonstrates that however others treat us– well, poorly, inconsiderately, thoughtfully– it leaves a mark. 

Now recognize that just as others have the ability to transform the tone of a situation, to shift the energy that is in place, so do you. Use that power for good. Be intentional about your choice of words and behaviors in your interactions with others– know why you are choosing to say or do something, think of how it might come across to that person. Ask yourself: will this benefit them? Use the answers to these prompts to guide thoughtful choices. Try to do this in every interaction, because it is not a superhuman power but rather a human power to care about how our choices– even down to brief interactions– impact those with whom we share space in our interconnected lives.

Michelle Lange, Psy.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of Relaction Therapy, providing mental health and wellness consultation services. Visit relaction.us to book a session or consultation appointment.

Image credit: Vivienne Nieuwenhuizen via Unsplash